I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
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