I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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