Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
