HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
