i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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