When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
