New invention idea: vibrating tampons
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
