I want to make a zoo with you.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
