I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
