he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
