I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
