all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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