The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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