i used baking grease as lip gloss
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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