So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Why are your pants in the freezer?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
