so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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