We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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