I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
