I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
But break dance skills will only take you so far
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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