I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
