R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
