I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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