when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I will be naked everywhere
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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