I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
