She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
