I just saw a hot homeless man
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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