grandma shit on top of the toilet
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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