She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
And then my night got REAL pukey
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
