Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
