Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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