Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
