I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
