hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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