3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
