I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
