Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
