a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize