It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
