she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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