Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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