I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
