i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
