Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
