What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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