Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize