Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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