My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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