i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Do you still have your period?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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