True but thats because hes a fetus.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
