this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
