Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
