the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize