I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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