I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
