I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
