Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
