If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
