Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
