So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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