Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I am midnight drunk by noon
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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